John Anderson, writer/editor/foxhunter / Douglas Lees photoIt’s been said that a “highbrow” is someone who can listen to Rossini’s “William Tell Overture” and not think of the Lone Ranger. In the hunting world, that might be said of anyone who’s never heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck” jokes. Leader of the Blue Collar Comedy genre, Foxworthy’s shtick consists of such gems as:
If you can recognize your friends by the sound of their mufflers, you might be a redneck.
If your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos, …”
If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car, …”
If you refer to the sixth grade as “My senior year, …”
Borrowing from this concept, herewith are a few examples of “You Might Be A Foxhunter.” (Some of these apply to horse people more broadly, but all of them apply to foxhunters.) So here we go.
If you’ve ever mucked out a stall while wearing a tuxedo or an evening gown, you might be a foxhunter.
If you’ve ever peed in a stall while wearing a tuxedo or an evening gown, …
If you have your orthopedist’s private number on speed dial, …
If you can legally claim your vet as a dependent on your income tax forms, …
If you’ve ever been charged with riding while intoxicated, …
If you own a thermometer with a piece of baling twine tied to it, …
If you drive a $5,000 car and ride a $20,000 horse…who is hauled in a $15,000 trailer pulled by a $50,000 truck, …
If the only religious service you regularly attend is Blessing of the Hounds, …
If you think it makes perfect sense to you that a dinner-style meal served in late afternoon is referred to as breakfast, …
If your sporting attire is all custom made and the rest of your wardrobe comes from Tractor Supply, …
If you can recite the bloodlines of every hound in your club’s kennels but frequently forget the names of your own children, …
If your barn is the picture of order and neatness while your house hasn’t had a thorough cleaning since the Johnson Administration…the Andrew Johnson Administration, …
If your collection of baseball caps ranges from “trail clearing” to “formal” depending on the amount of sweat stains, …
If directions to your home include, “Turn off the paved road,” …
If you’ve ever been involved in a custody dispute over a horse or hound, …
If your ability to polish a pair of boots would impress a Marine drill sergeant, …
If your horses, dogs, and cats all have human names and your children don’t, …
If you think shift-on-the-fly 4-wheel drive is for sissies, …
If you’re only willing to accept a job that allows you to take off at least one weekday from September through March, …
If a windstorm takes down a tree on your property and your first thought is, “How can this be turned into a schooling jump? ” …
If you consider Monday to be a day of rest from the rigors of the weekend (or Tuesday if you hunt on Mondays), …
If you can open a bottle of wine using a car key, …
If you have amassed such an extensive collection of flask concoctions that you could earn a handsome living as a bartender, …
If you consider a suitable combination for a tailgate table to be Girl Scout cookies and moonshine, …
If you’ve ever tried to change lanes on the highway by making your car leg-yield, …
If you’ve ever watched a vet place a hundred thousand-dollar piece of diagnostic equipment on top of a ten-dollar muck bucket, …
If you’ve ever told a paramedic, “If you even think about cutting off my custom-made boots, I will get up off this stretcher and kick your ass,” you might be a foxhunter!
Posted March 26, 2020
J. Harris Anderson is a member of Thornton Hill Hounds (VA), and is the author of The Prophet of Paradise, a foxhunting novel, and the Foxhunter’s Guide to Life and Love, an inspirational novel. He is also the managing editor of In & Around Horse Country in which a variation of “You Might Be a Foxhunter” previously appeared. Click for more about John.